My Coming Out Anniversary

I came out four years ago on Labor Day. It had been a very long journey. I spent my teenage years in asexual denial. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t interested in girls. I tried not to think about why guys were more interesting and fascinating to look at and fantasize over.

When I got to college I was determined to make a conscience effort at heterosexual dating. I met a wonderful woman that lived across the hall from me in the dorm. We dated on and off through college. She was the only person I dated and had sex with in college. After graduation we decided to get married because it seemed like the thing to do. Shortly thereafter she was diagnosed with MS. At first the disease wasn’t too severe and the doctors said it would probably be OK to have a child. We did but her condition got worse. At age 28 she was confined to a nursing home and died at age 30.

I was devastated and scared of raising a 5-year-old daughter on my own. I remarried almost immediately to the second women I ever dated in my life. We had two more children. Towards the end of my thirties this second marriage began to erode. Other then the children, we had very little interest in each other. I soon discovered the Internet and the world of “married men looking for married men”. The years of denial, repression, and self-hating started to wear away. At first, I told myself I was just experimenting and testing my sexuality. Then I gradually asserted that I was I slightly bisexual. Finally, after I met E and we started to talk about a future together; I knew I was truly gay.

E and I came out within two weeks of each other. We came out in a big way. For a variety of reasons everyone knew within a couple of weeks. All our families, friends, social acquaintances, work associates, and synagogue members heard the news and gossip. We were ready to be ostracized by everyone. But miraculously that didn’t happen. Nevertheless, we still felt isolated and on our own. Fortunately, we had a gay friend that came to our aid early on and introduced us to other gays who had been previously married. It was a great relief to know we weren’t the only ones.

The best thing we did was to join several gay organizations. We got involved with a GLBT running club and a GLBT Jewish social group. We started attending a gay synagogue in San Francisco when we could. E joined the board of a nonprofit social service organization that has a huge outreach into the gay community. I volunteered to assist the gay employee organization at work. Being active and involved has made a world of difference.