Tuesday, October 11, 2005

My Coming Out Anniversary

I came out four years ago on Labor Day. It had been a very long journey. I spent my teenage years in asexual denial. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t interested in girls. I tried not to think about why guys were more interesting and fascinating to look at and fantasize over.

When I got to college I was determined to make a conscience effort at heterosexual dating. I met a wonderful woman that lived across the hall from me in the dorm. We dated on and off through college. She was the only person I dated and had sex with in college. After graduation we decided to get married because it seemed like the thing to do. Shortly thereafter she was diagnosed with MS. At first the disease wasn’t too severe and the doctors said it would probably be OK to have a child. We did but her condition got worse. At age 28 she was confined to a nursing home and died at age 30.

I was devastated and scared of raising a 5-year-old daughter on my own. I remarried almost immediately to the second women I ever dated in my life. We had two more children. Towards the end of my thirties this second marriage began to erode. Other then the children, we had very little interest in each other. I soon discovered the Internet and the world of “married men looking for married men”. The years of denial, repression, and self-hating started to wear away. At first, I told myself I was just experimenting and testing my sexuality. Then I gradually asserted that I was I slightly bisexual. Finally, after I met E and we started to talk about a future together; I knew I was truly gay.

E and I came out within two weeks of each other. We came out in a big way. For a variety of reasons everyone knew within a couple of weeks. All our families, friends, social acquaintances, work associates, and synagogue members heard the news and gossip. We were ready to be ostracized by everyone. But miraculously that didn’t happen. Nevertheless, we still felt isolated and on our own. Fortunately, we had a gay friend that came to our aid early on and introduced us to other gays who had been previously married. It was a great relief to know we weren’t the only ones.

The best thing we did was to join several gay organizations. We got involved with a GLBT running club and a GLBT Jewish social group. We started attending a gay synagogue in San Francisco when we could. E joined the board of a nonprofit social service organization that has a huge outreach into the gay community. I volunteered to assist the gay employee organization at work. Being active and involved has made a world of difference.

7 comments:

Scotty said...

I remember those days well...married and trying to muddle through not sure where you fit in or why you couldn't get a grip on those man desires.

Moby said...

I'm always ashamed of society when I read stories like yours. That we still live in times where we are forced to grow up hiding/denying who we are to the world as well as ourselves.

Kudos to you for finding the courage to cross the divide and find yourself.

ElovesU said...

Im gay have known since i can reamember, just recently out to EVERYONE,(even mom)...Love the blog and hope u will read mine...(i linked you)
http://adayinthelifeofe.blogspot.com/

ELMO

David, Son of Walt said...

Good to read your story! And Scotty, great to find you here as well!

Nick 10 said...

Wow very interesting post. I was never married but came to terms with my sexuality after moving to America. It's always great to read about someone else's coming out story.

Ryan said...

hmmm maybe i need 2 tell my story someday!

Tallulah Givehead said...

Ah agree with Moby. Ah wish we weren't in a world of fear and hate, but in a world where we could all love and appreciate our differences.

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